Before you start reading, I’d like you to take a moment and think about the people you know well. Who, would you say, is the most psychologically resilient of your friends or family? Who would cope the best with major setbacks? Who would be able to keep their heads while all about them are losing theirs*?
* (Lovely phrasing from the poem “If” by Rudyard Kipling)
Dealing with Failure: Resilience
I was at the FC Barcelona football game last night with 2 friends, Jordi & Andre. Barca beat Getafe 4-0. Leo Messi made his return from injury. He played for 20 minutes, and scored 2 impressive goals.
My friend Andre was excited because he has just published a book. It will be available later this month.
His book is called “He fracasado, y que?” In english: “I have failed, so what?” He writes about his life as an entrepreneur, his ups (big) and his downs (big) in the journey of the last 20 years building businesses.
Andre is resilient. He remains himself, independent of the challenges of the moment. I have known him as he sold a business for €7M and I have known him in the worst moments of watching servidores.com fall into bankruptcy. He brings the same energy and discipline to each day, independent of the challenges of the day. What is it that he does to allow this resilience?
Here’s a short list of Personal Habits of Resilient People, based on my personal experience of meeting many of them, interviewing them and writing about them:
Personal Habits of Resilient People
- Constantly Building Relationships – they care about others and how others are doing. They listen deeply because they have a curiosity for learning about life in all its ways. Victor Frankl spoke about this in “Man’s Search for Meaning” – living to serve others is a mission that allowed survival of Nazi concentration camps.
- Never Share Victim Stories – there are hero stories (I am responsible for the situation, I must change if I want the situation to change) and victim stories (“the traffic made me late”, “my boss won’t let me”, “nobody listens to me when I speak”). I don’t hear many Victim Stories from resilient people.
- Forgive Themselves Quickly - they understand that the “me” of 2 years ago took the best decisions that the “me” of 2 years ago was capable of taking – I didn’t know then what I know now.
- Forgive Others Quickly – they understand that everyone is on a difficult journey of their own and face challenges that I am not aware of. Often someone angry at me may have a sick parent, or a tough financial situation.
- Take Decisions Quickly – they don’t wait for perfect information. They take a decent decision with the information available and move on. They understand that you can take another decision tomorrow – even reverse today’s decision if necessary.
- “Thank you” – to waiters, to investors, to toll-booth staff, to teachers, to cleaners…
- Reframe Constantly – They reflect upon their life and re-examine past experiences based upon today’s wisdom. I find that my view of my childhood and 20s changes because I see frustrations, challenges and hard work differently now than I did when I was 25. Back then I thought “I am gifted and I deserve success”, now I think “all meaningful work requires suffering”
- Forward Looking – the first instinct is to ask “what can we do now?” when faced with a setback, rather than “who’s fault is this?”
- 5 Pillars in Life – Pillars in life can be work, family, tennis, teaching, gardening, writing… Resilient people have multiple deep interests. They don’t live 100% for work or 100% for family.
- Separate “State” and “Person” – They understand that the state does not make the person – a state of bankruptcy is not a failed person – it is a momentary point on the journey. Charles Barrington, the Irish climber who first summited the Eiger mountain in 1858 – was at the lowest point of the mountain at 3am and on the summit at midday – he was the same person at 3am and midday. A resilient person understands that climbing mountains is not always uphill.
Read more on Resilience & Mental Strength
- Kilian Jornet & the 4 Mental Models of High Performance
- Resilience: Coping with Setbacks - The 5 Levels of Resilience
What else works for you? What else do you see in the people who you would call “resilient” around you?