How can you influence people who are close to you without impacting the quality of your relationship?
- What do you do to influence a behaviour of your child?
- How do you speak to a friend with an addiction that is affecting their life?
- How can you help a family member with a poor habit that is affecting their quality of life?
How to Influence People who are Close to you (without damaging the relationship)
Michael Pendelton of Yale University has spent many years looking at how families can intervene in the life of a loved one with an addiction problem and achieve lasting positive change. He has shown that long term, forcing change will not work.
There are 3 ingredients that are necessary to achieve lasting change in a person who is challenged with an addiction.
Let me know in the comments below what you think of Michael’s influencing strategy? Is it realistic? Can you see it working in your relationships?
This video is about Building Trust – and how building Trust will Improve Relationships and the Enhance the Quality of our Lives. After you have food and shelter, it is the quality of the relationships that really make your life. Relationships are about trust. Where there is no trust, there is no relationship.
I’d love to hear your comments, thoughts, reflections and questions on this and the other educational videos on my channel.
I wrote a few years ago a longer post on The Trust Equation: https://conorneill.com/2011/11/17/trust/
How do you Increase Trust?
In order to Increase Trust =
- Increase Perception of Credibility or
- Increase Perception of Reliability or
- Increase Intimacy or
- Reduce Perception of Self-Orientation.
Ways to increase Perception of Credibility:
- Tell the truth.
- Don’t exaggerate.
- Avoid saying things that others may see as lies (eg “We’ll put our best people on it”)
- If you don’t know, say “I don’t know”. Quickly.
- If you don’t belong, don’t go.
- Do your homework.
- Care about the work.
Ways to increase Perception of Reliability:
- Make specific small commitments and deliver 100%.
- Send meeting materials in advance.
- Make sure meetings have clear goals, and that those goals are met.
- Use the words your listener would use.
- Review agendas for meetings.
- Re-confirm events 24 hours before.
Ways to Increase Intimacy:
- Ask insightful questions.
- Share first.
Ways to Reduce Perception of Self-Orientation:
- Ask questions.
- Listen and paraphrase without adding anything.
- Resist the need to fill silences.
- Focus on defining the problem, not guessing the solution.
- Say “I don’t know” if you don’t know.
- Take responsibility for failed communications (Say “I have failed to communicate clearly”, not “You don’t understand“)
- Think as if you were completely responsable for this person’s future success in all aspects that are important to the other person.
- Care about the work. If you don’t care about the work, it is inevitable that you will focus more on yourself. Low self orientation is all about intensity of your commitment to help your listener.