How can you influence people who are close to you without impacting the quality of your relationship?
What do you do to influence a behaviour of your child?
How do you speak to a friend with an addiction that is affecting their life?
How can you help a family member with a poor habit that is affecting their quality of life?
How to Influence People who are Close to you (without damaging the relationship)
Michael Pendelton of Yale University has spent many years looking at how families can intervene in the life of a loved one with an addiction problem and achieve lasting positive change. He has shown that long term, forcing change will not work.
There are 3 ingredients that are necessary to achieve lasting change in a person who is challenged with an addiction.
Let me know in the comments below what you think of Michael’s influencing strategy? Is it realistic? Can you see it working in your relationships?
There is formula for changing people. Doctor Malik Mohammed shared this wisdom with the EO Global Leadership Academy last week in Washington, USA. If you are to change someone’s behaviour patterns, two things are necessary.
Influence, the classic book on persuasion, explains the psychology of why people say “yes”—and how to apply these understandings. Dr. Robert Cialdini is the seminal expert in the rapidly expanding field of influence and persuasion. His thirty-five years of rigorous, evidence-based research along with a three-year program of study on what moves people to change behavior has resulted in this highly acclaimed book.
You’ll learn the six universal principles, how to use them to become a skilled persuader—and how to defend yourself against them. Perfect for people in all walks of life, the principles of Influence will move you toward profound personal change and act as a driving force for your success.
This is a video about Experts and Fakes, Charlatans and Gurus. I share a 2×2 matrix looking at the 4 types of skill/communication ability.
I also discuss the idea of “craftsmanship” – where one person does all of the parts of a job from idea to execution and the special type of innovation that can come when one single individual understand how all the elements of the work flow together.
There are 2 types of teachers
a) the teacher who is great at teaching beginners,
b) the teacher who is a guide for advanced students and experts. A great “beginner teacher” is often not a great “advanced teacher”.
In Rationalia, all decisions are taken because scientific data is collected and the evidence supports the law. If you want to change a law, you suggest an experiment. If the experiment produces evidence that the new law improves the conditions of Rationalia, then the law is passed.
In this land, reason wins.
This is not a country that we are living in now.
This post is not going to get into the pros and cons of the nation of Rationalia.
How Do Politicians try to Change our Minds?
If I listen to political debate (Trump vs Hillary, UK Labour party, Brexit referendum) I do not hear rational arguments being put forward for a range of proposed policies.
I hear arguments that go to credibility (or Ethos, for those followers of Aristotle amongst you):
“You can’t trust her”,
“She doesn’t have the energy”,
“It was just locker-room banter”,
“He says it does not represent who he is, but I think we all know that it really does represent exactly who he is”
There is nothing here about policies. There is nothing here about the danger of the other’s flawed policies. There is only raising of my trustworthiness and decreasing of the other’s trustworthiness.
Why has Reason disappeared from political debate?
I understand this shift. I see three big reasons:
People hold a wider range of beliefs
more sources and types of data and
more channels for experts to spread their views.
There has been such a broadening of accepted beliefs over the last half-century that there are few value systems that can be assumed to apply to the whole electorate. There are few symbols that represent the same value to the whole electorate. There are few bases for logical argument that starts from a widely held truth.
There is much more data, in many more forms (graphics, reports, video, analyst reports…), there are many more experts, there are many more sources for information. The experts come at us through new channels – online, cable, satellite, podcasts, blogs, facebook, twitter…
It is confusing.
What do we do when we are Confused?
In this environment we seek voices we can trust. (Check out The Trust Equation for an in-depth analysis of the 4 components of trust in relationships)
It is only a trusted voice that can open our eyes to a new perspective.
If you want to persuade someone, build a relationship. If there is no relationship, there is little chance of persuasion.
We only really change our minds when a trusted friend who knows us finally asks a question in a private conversation “Hey, why is that so important to you? What effect do you think it is having on your life? on those around you?…”
Who are your trusted friends? Who do you allow to have influence on you?
I was watching a few Charlie Munger speeches recently – Warren Buffett’s partner in leading Berkshire Hathaway.
Charlie talks a lot about “Inverse Thinking”…
The Inverse Thinking Process
What is Inverse Thinking? Charlie says it is helpful to turn a question on its head. If you want to know what would improve the situation of India, ask what would make India worse? You can apply this to most situations: If you want to know what would improve your life, ask what would make your life worse? If you want to know what would improve schools, ask what would make schools worse?
Charlie does provide his answer to how to make life worse.
Charlie’s Recipe for a Miserable Life
His answer: The perfect path to a miserable failure of a life is combining:
Another of Charlie’s particular questions he asks himself is how to keep from fanatical ideology? He sees that human beings are so open to self-deception that we must (yes even you) all be on the lookout for our own beliefs that have become fanatical.
Charlie’s Recipe to Keep From Fanaticism
Can you state the arguments against your position as well as your opposition? If you can state the arguments against your position as effectively as the opposing camp, then you can allow yourself to feel that you are not being fanatical.
Charlie on the Danger of Perverse Incentives
Be careful about being in situations that motivate unhappy behaviour. Are the incentives in the systems in which you operate motivating behaviours that make you a better person, or a worse person. Be careful if you think your answer is “neutral”…
Charlie on the Danger of Perverse People
Don’t work for those who you do not admire.
It will damage you.
Charlie Munger speaking at USC Graduation
There is one random quote that stuck with me from Charlie:
“Hope is not necessary to persevere” Frederick the Great
There… those are my thoughts for this Sunday afternoon 😉 It is now time to head to the Camp Nou for FC Barcelona’s game against Espanyol… key for the league, and the Barcelona derby!
Cassandra lived in the time of greek myth, before we put numbers to the years. She was the daughter of King Priam and Queen Hecuba of the city of Troy. She was a strong willed, beautiful red head. Her beauty was so great that she is considered the second most beautiful woman of all greek pre-history. (who was the most beautiful? *answer is at the end of this post) My own daughter’s name is a variant of Cassandra (Alexandra).
Her beauty and character brought her to the attention of the god Apollo. Apollo fell in love with her.
In order to seduce Cassandra, Apollo tried several approaches. Finally she made clear her demand: she would marry him in exchange for the gift of prophecy.
Apollo granted her this gift and Cassandra became able to see the future, to see all that was to come.
The wedding day came, Apollo was waiting… but Cassandra did not come. She broke the engagement. Apollo was angry.
The rules of greek gods were clear: what the god has given, he may not take away. Apollo could not take away prophecy. In his anger he cursed Cassandra with a cruelty that only greek gods could achieve.
Cassandra would never be believed. No one would ever believe her words.
Cassandra saw that her brother would die in the fight with Hercules, she saw the arrival of the greek army, she saw the truth of the Trojan horse. She tried and tried and tried to get her parents, her friends, the leaders of Troy to listen, but none would believe.
Cassandra ended her days as a mad, mad red headed beauty.
Don’t Be Cassandra
Imagine knowing the future and nobody believing you. Imagine having a plan for a project and nobody will get involved. Imagine trying to create a new business and nobody will invest, no client will buy and no supplier will agree to work with you. It is a maddening agony.
Cassandra was cursed by Apollo, but some of us choose the curse by not paying attention to our reputation, our character and the impression we create when we meet other people.
How to Build Credibility
credibility krɛdɪˈbɪlɪti / noun a) the quality of being trusted and believed in. synonyms: trustworthiness, reliability, dependability, integrity, character; b) the quality of being convincing or believable.synonyms: plausibility, believability, acceptability, tenability, probability, likelihood, authority, authoritativeness, impressiveness, cogency, weight, validity, soundness;
How to be Cassandra
There are 3 killers of Credibility that will bring upon you the curse that Apollo cast upon mad, mad Cassandra.
Undeclared direct self-serving interests
Undeclared vested interests
In essence, don’t be Cassandra. In greek myth, the opposite mythological role is Orpheus. He was always listened to, always believed. He is known as “The Inspired Singer”.
How to be Orpheus
Orpheus was always believed. His word was trusted. His plans were listened to. His requests for help were met with attention, resources and committed people.
Nobody is born as Orpheus. It is the fruit of choices about how you live your life. No matter what your role or position, Orpheus’ credibility is something that you have to earn. It takes time, patience, and consistency to build credibility. Credibility most grows when you are helping others achieve personal success.
Aristotle’s 3 Categories of Credibility
According to Aristotle, there are three categories of ethical character. (His exploration of character comes from an exploration of the Socratic question: “how should man best live?”)
Aristotle separates the ingredients into two levels, the first level are two virtues that are the foundation of all the rest. The foundational virtues are:
The edifice of credible character is then built of the following lived virtues:
Greatness of Soul
Gentleness (concerning Anger)
The Absence of Shame – Aristotle has a hard time with this idea, expressing that shame is a force that is necessary in youth to hold them back from overstepping bounds, but as wisdom develops with age an individual must remove the shackles of shame.
Lets bring this down to practical steps. Here are 5 practical guidelines:
Spend time building relationships with mentors, role models and friends of credible character. Find a way of having conversations about the tough choices that they have had to make in their lives (being Orpheus comes at a price). It is also important to realise that you are a mentor to others and to take this role proactively. Who are the people who you wish to inspire? Let them know what you see in them.
Show others that you care about their future. Listen to other’s goals and help them clarify what is important to them.
Do what you say you’re going to do. (and Don’t do what you don’t proactively decide to do.)
Develop expertise – invest in becoming wiser. I find that learning skills that I am not good at keeps a little bit of humility in me when I then work in areas where I am good. (Ballroom dancing is a great source of humility for me)
Be transparent about what you know and don’t know. The more you share about your own experience, the more others will open up to you. Self-disclosure, when you reveal information about yourself to others, is an important part of transparency.