I have a metaphor I use as an entrepreneur at challenging times in life. If you are travelling on a boat along a river, if the river is going the other direction, you are better pulling the boat to the shore and resting. Paddling against the tide is exhausting and the tide is stronger than you.
This requires that you have the ability to be patient.
Some things that cannot be rushed:
What else can you think of that cannot be rushed?
I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below…
Covid is a physical disease, but the wider impact will be on the mental health of the billions who have been hit by the economic shutdown.
Who do you feel is struggling to keep things together?
Every single one of us has incredible power to lift up the spirits of the people that are around us. It requires a choice. It is harder when you are struggling yourself. It is important. The people around you need your leadership.
How can we help those around us feel good about themselves?
In the video, I share 3 ideas.
Let them help you
Shine a light on their strengths
Who needs your attention today? Who around you would benefit from a few minutes of facetime or skype or a phone call?
Resilience: the ability to stay creative and motivated in an environment of chaos and change.
Personally, I faced a huge time of chaos and change in late 2008. My company was going bankrupt and my family was falling apart. It is from this time of great difficulty that I learnt most about myself and about what it takes to get me out of bed with energy to make a positive difference during the day. I gave a talk recently about resilience. This post is a summary of my notes on becoming resilient.
There are 3 ingredients of Resilient Human Beings:
These are three ways of being that resilient human beings possess:
They Face Reality
They Find Meaning
They practice Resourceful Action
1. Face Reality
Self Aware, highly open to feedback
“Hope is not a strategy” Colin Powell
Victor Frankl said that the only group with survival rates worse than pessimists were the optimists. Neither see reality as it truly is. Both distort reality. The pessimists were dead in 1 week, optimists were dead in 1 month. The conditions in the camps were not going to get better.
Humans have a natural tendency to claim credit for gains and blame bad luck for losses. We win a bet on a horse race – we attribute it to our knowledge of horses and racetrack conditions. We lose a bet on a football game – we attribute it to a lucky goal against the run of play. In both cases, we distort reality. This distortion means that we cannot learn effectively from experience.
It requires discipline and practice to maintain an emotional state that allows us to act positively after a loss, and to learn how to improve ourselves for the next time.
When I spent a day with Kilian Jornet, one of the most striking elements of his personality was his ability to see success and failure, winning and losing from a humble, ego-less perspective. In a race, if his ski binding were to break, there is no anger… he says “anger is an indulgence” – each second of anger is a second where the other competitors are making progress while I engage in self-indulgence.
I have been part of an Entrepreneurs Organisation forum group for 9 years. Each month I spend 4 hours sharing experiences of life. There are 3 rules to the group – total confidentiality, proactive sharing and only share personal experience. Nobody gives advice. I share a challenge I am facing and I receive feedback that helps me see where I am not seeing the situation clearly.
All emotion is a distortion of reality. Emotion arises when reality is different from my expectation of how reality should be. The greater the emotion, the greater my refusal to accept that the world is not the way I would like it to be. Great joy? I expected less from the world. Great frustration? I expected too much from the world. It is my expectations that are blinding me to the objective reality.
Tony Robbins says “there are no unresourceful people, only unresourceful emotional states”. Resilient people cultivate resourceful emotional states.
Doctor John DeMartini says that the universe is always in balance. The problem is that our perception is only of a small part of the universe. If we observe one part of an experience and feel proud of ourselves – it is because we are not observing the negative impact of our action. DeMartini believes that no action is good or bad. Only actions that align with my highest values are inspiring.
2. Find Meaning
“I am a necessary part of something”
Victor Frankl tells of his first revelation of the importance of a meaning in one’s life. One morning in Auschvitz he was walking out to work. His thoughts: “should I trade my last cigarette for some soup? how will it be to work with this new foreman?”… Suddenly he noted “How banal! I will not survive unless it is for more than this.” He spent time imagining a future that would inspire him. The vision of the future that gave his life meaning was a vision of himself lectures on lessons from camps to hundreds. He worked to create a meaning for himself. There was an important human project that only he could complete. He must survive to publish his book and share his experiences and lessons with the world.
Around the age of 50, Carl Jung visited the Plains Indians of New Mexico. He spent some days with a tribal elder called Mountain Lake. Mountain Lake believed that if the tribe stopped performing their rituals, the sun would stop rising in less than 10 years. Imagine the sense of connection he must have with the world – to so deeply believe that the universe needs him and his people in order to keep functioning.
I was in the bank earlier today to open an account for my daughter. Three people work in the branch. They didn’t look like people who feel that the universe needs them. They don’t even act like the bank needs them. They act like they are not necessary for the world, and that the only thing that matters is accumulating a safe pension fund. Their approach to their work was more characterised as “waiting for 5pm”
The book Sapiens helped me understand that there are three types of truth – objective, subjective, inter-subjective. Objective truths are true in the world – one plus one equals two, this is an Apple Macbook Pro. Subjective truths are true for me – I am warm right now, I feel engaged and excited by the ideas of this blog post and look forward to hearing other’s comments and questions. Inter-subjective truths are particularly special for humanity – they are beliefs that are not objectively true, but enough people believe them that they work as objective truths. Money is an inter-subjective truth. A dollar or euro bill is a piece of paper with some marks on it. However, I know that you will accept it as valuable. Given that I believe that you believe that it is valuable, it is valuable. (There is definitely a future blog post coming on the idea of the inter-subjective truth)
For the purpose of psychological resilience: subjective truth matters most. Subjective truth is not restrained by objective truth (There is another whole blog post on the degree to which subjective truth can diverge from objective truth). Resilient people cultivate belief in ideas that serve to give you peace of mind. Reincarnation is not an objective truth. It is impossible to prove objectively in the world. However, subjective truths are essentially a matter of choice. It is important to be careful about what beliefs we are willing to accept. If I cultivate a belief in reincarnation will it make my anxiety about this life less? Is that a good thing?
We are creatures in need of meaning in a universe without intrinsic meaning. We are blessed in that we each individually have the capacity to create meaning for ourselves. The meaning does not come from outside. The meaning comes from a decision inside ourselves to cultivate a sense of purpose for myself. How to find this purpose? I have 2 questions:
Who inspires you? What do they do or have that makes them inspirational to you?
Who do you want to inspire? What do they need from you?
3. Resourceful Action
A quality of resilient people is that resourceful action is a habit. It can be thought of like the bounce of a ball.
Lets imagine a ball. You drop the ball, it hits the floor… it rebounds. Bounce is an intrinsic property of a ball. Resilient people make the habit of “bouncing back” a natural part of their response to situations. Resilient people constantly gather resources, seek out small opportunities where you are out of control (speaking to strangers, giving a presentation, dancing, sports); Under pressure we collapse back to our practiced habit.
Resilient people practice resourceful action as a daily habit. Daily ingenuity in little challenges leads to habituated ingenuity when faced by major challenges and stresses.
I recently enjoyed a 3 and a half hour podcast interview. Tim Ferriss interviewing Cal Fussman. Initially I thought “3 and a half hours? that must be a mistake”. However, 200 minutes later I was still gripped by the interview. Tim asked Cal how he learnt to interview people so well. Cal spent 10 years backpacking around the world… with very little money. Every time he got on a bus or a train, he needed to find a person on the train that might invite him to stay. He would walk down the aisle looking at strangers thinking “is this someone who might invite me to stay?” He then had to have a conversation that was sufficiently deep so that the stranger invited him to stay. Over 10 years he became very successful in having conversations that led to an invite to stay. Years and years of practice connecting with strangers led him to be able to connect in seconds to Mikail Gorbachev, Ronald Reagan, Mohammed Ali… some of the hundreds of world leaders that he has interviewed for his column in Esquire magazine.
The company UPS has a motto: “do what it takes to deliver”. They expect individual drivers to be resourceful. Within 2 days after Hurrican Andrew in 1992, UPS drivers were delivering packages to people in their cars, in hotels, in civic centres. No manager could have given them instructions on how to find people – the drivers were operating in their habitual mode – “do what it takes to deliver”.
Victor Frankl speaks of the resilient being on constant lookout for resources. They collected string, wire, cigarettes, spoons… anything – knowing that it might come in useful in future.
You can practicing Fertile Inventiveness with 5 daily habits. C.H.A.I.M.
Practice the 5 Steps of C.H.A.I.M. –
Connect – make a human connection today. Meet a stranger. Reconnect with an old friend or family member. Make connecting to others a daily practice.
Humour – laugh at crazy situations, even better: laugh at yourself. Remember Rule #6.
Assistance – get someone to help you today. Even if you don’t need their help, get in the practice of allowing others to help. Develop a deep sense that you can trust that others will help you.
Inner World – take time to imagine and visualise. Remember your dreams. Write a journal that captures the images, ideas and symbols that have an importance to you. What images inspire you? What faces inspire you? Take time to live in this inner world.
Mastery – what are you excellent at? If you can’t answer you must start working. Pick anything, but become a master in something. Music, theatre, greek history, drawing, film reviews, medieval travel, kung fu…
[update] Iñaki sent me these words of Marcus Aurelius that sum up these 3 aspects:
Objective judgment, now at this very moment. Unselfish action, now at this very moment. Willing acceptance—now at this very moment—of all external events. That’s all you need. MARCUS AURELIUS
Resilience summarised by Iñaki:
“See things for what they are. Do what we can. Endure and bear what we must.”
These are the three characteristics of mentally strong people. I think the poem “If” is a wonderful summary of the attitudes that allow for resilience.
This is a workshop I teach: Becoming Psychologically Resilient: The 3 Practices of High Performance. Get in touch if you are interested in running this session for your company or team.
Another note: Resilience is neither good nor evil. It is the capacity to keep going in the face of challenge. I would prefer that you work on goodness and personal integrity before you become resilient. Sadly, evil people and selfish people can be resilient and keep sharing their nastiness even as times get hard.
I’d love your feedback. How do we teach these practices? How do I help students develop resilience? Do leaders need special types of resilience (is it harder to stay resilient as an individual marathon runner, or as the leader of a tribe?) I’d welcome your comments, questions and reflections.
Take a moment and think about the people you know well.
Who is the most psychologically resilient of your friends or family?
Who would cope the best with major setbacks?
Who would be able to keep their heads while all about them are losing theirs?
Dealing with Failure: Resilience
I was at the FC Barcelona football game last night with 2 friends, Jordi & Andre. Barca beat Getafe 4-0. Leo Messi made his return from injury. He played for 20 minutes, and scored 2 impressive goals.
My friend Andre was excited because he has just published a book. It is available in spanish.
His book is called “He fracasado, y que?” In english: “I have failed, so what?” He writes about his life as an entrepreneur, his ups (big) and his downs (big) in the journey of the last 20 years building businesses.
Andre is resilient. He remains himself, independent of the challenges of the moment. I have known him as he sold a business for €7M and I have known him in the worst moments of watching servidores.com fall into bankruptcy. He brings the same energy and discipline to each day, independent of the challenges of the day. What is it that he does to allow this resilience?
Here’s a short list of Personal Habits of Resilient People, based on my personal experience of meeting many of them, interviewing them and writing about them:
Personal Habits of Resilient People
Constantly Building Relationships – they care about others and how others are doing. They listen deeply because they have a curiosity for learning about life in all its ways. Victor Frankl spoke about this in “Man’s Search for Meaning” – living to serve others is a mission that allowed survival of Nazi concentration camps.
Never Share Victim Stories – there are hero stories (I am responsible for the situation, I must change if I want the situation to change) and victim stories (“the traffic made me late”, “my boss won’t let me”, “nobody listens to me when I speak”). I don’t hear many Victim Stories from resilient people.
Forgive Themselves Quickly – they understand that the “me” of 2 years ago took the best decisions that the “me” of 2 years ago was capable of taking – I didn’t know then what I know now.
Forgive Others Quickly – they understand that everyone is on a difficult journey of their own and face challenges that I am not aware of. Often someone angry at me may have a sick parent, or a tough financial situation.
Take Decisions Quickly – they don’t wait for perfect information. They take a decent decision with the information available and move on. They understand that you can take another decision tomorrow – even reverse today’s decision if necessary.
“Thank you” – to waiters, to investors, to toll-booth staff, to teachers, to cleaners…
Reframe Constantly – They reflect upon their life and re-examine past experiences based upon today’s wisdom. I find that my view of my childhood and 20s changes because I see frustrations, challenges and hard work differently now than I did when I was 25. Back then I thought “I am gifted and I deserve success”, now I think “all meaningful work requires suffering”
Forward Looking – the first instinct is to ask “what can we do now?” when faced with a setback, rather than “who’s fault is this?”
5 Pillars in Life – Pillars in life can be work, family, tennis, teaching, gardening, writing… Resilient people have multiple deep interests. They don’t live 100% for work or 100% for family.
Separate “State” and “Person” – They understand that the state does not make the person – a state of bankruptcy is not a failed person – it is a momentary point on the journey. Charles Barrington, the Irish climber who first summited the Eiger mountain in 1858 – was at the lowest point of the mountain at 3am and on the summit at midday – he was the same person at 3am and midday. A resilient person understands that climbing mountains is not always uphill.
Time after time I see promising young athletes reach the professional teams, and they don’t make it. Time and time again I see someone do well in the good times, but then allow one small setback to avalanche into a total personal, business and financial collapse.
Other times someone struggles through the youth ranks, shows no extreme talent, but when they reach the professional team they excel. Or, a friend uses a small personal crisis to multiply their productivity across all aspects of their life.
What differentiates those that cope with those that do not?
Resilience: Mental Toughness
How do you cope with setbacks? How do you deal with the blows that life deals you?
The 5 levels of Resilience
The five levels of individual Resiliency are:
Able to maintain emotional stability
Able to focus outward: Good problem solving skills
Able to focus inward: Strong inner “selfs”, self-belief
Deliberately practiced procedural habits
Be Water my Friend
Resilience Means Adapting to Adversity
Resilience is the ability to roll with the punches. When stress, adversity or trauma strikes, you still experience anger, grief and pain, but you’re able to keep functioning — both physically and mentally. Resilience isn’t about ignoring it, stoic acceptance or lonely heroics. In fact, being able to reach out to others for support is a key component of being resilient.
Resilience and Mental Health
Resilience offers protection from many mental health conditions, such as depression and anxiety. Resilience can also help offset factors that increase the risk of mental health conditions, such as lack of social support, being bullied or previous trauma.
9 Tips to improve your Resilience
If you’d like to become more resilient, consider these tips:
Maintain Hope – You can’t change what’s happened in the past, but you can always look toward the future. Accepting and even anticipating change makes it easier to adapt and view new challenges with less anxiety.
Take care of your Health – Include physical activity in your day. Find a night time pattern that allows for good sleep. Eat consciously.
Playfulness and Pause. Rest your mind and let it wander through imagined worlds. Mindful imagination can reduce stress (and it improves your immune system). Play games and act like a kid. YouTube videos about Goats Shouting Like Humans are stupid, but they do make me laugh insanely.
Embrace Creativity Regularly. Participation in music and dance, can have a significant effect in building resilience.
Use Procedural Skills – take advantage of the “procedural learning” part of your brain. Keep practicing the skills you’ve mastered by repetition – like playing piano, ping-pong or drawing pictures. Rote-learned information is what school focussed on – but today it’s all Google-able. Forget it. Focus on your procedural skills. These should be exercised and enhanced every day.
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